Depression is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with in my life. It has stripped me of my passion for life and my desire to survive. I've tried many different combinations of medications and therapy to try to heal myself. But it doesn't work. None of it works.
Sometimes I think about the last thing I'll do before I end my life. I think about what I would say to people. Where I would do it. What I would leave behind. And the saddest part is, I don't want to die. I just can't seem to escape this vicious beast, Depression.
I am praying to God Capital One gives me my job back. If they don't, I have no idea where I'm going to go from here.
I'm so unhappy. I feel like I'm unhappy first, happy second. Like I have moments of happiness but they always revert to sadness.
Will tells me to write out my feelings, so that's why I'm doing this. I can't tell if it's working. I don't think so.
I don't feel like going to college anymore. It's only been like 5 weeks, but I just don't want to go anymore.
My grandma gave me a gift card to JCP. Maybe when I post this, I'll go take a shower and head out. Might be good to get out. I have too much time by myself, too much time to think. Too much time to let depression win.
I wonder often why God doesn't help me faster, or more. I wonder why he hates me. I feel like he doesn't care. I don't even know why I insist on believing. Maybe because I want to believe there is something that COULD do something, even though he won't. I went to Tampa yesterday and tried to find my old cross I used to wear. It's vanished though. I'll have to buy a new one.
Why is it so hard to be happy? I just want God to help me. I just want someone to make everything all better.
I ask myself all the time, where do I go from here? Where, indeed.