Network
Tell me this. Do you know it's really love, legit 110% amor, when even small periods spent apart last an eternity. Could it be because it's still new? Of course. But that's not it. And I mean, call me a fool, call me naive, call it young love…
People say love so young is rarely real, that you learn true love when you're older. I wonder if maybe, during youth, that is the only time you can really be in love.
This won't be a long blog. Frankly, I'm emotionally taxed and Will is laying in bed nodding off and before I crash tonight, I want to savor the last few seconds before sleep races by and we wake and I head back to Tampa to work and whatever other bullshit I need to do--no need to rush back because he has work until 9 tonight.
Yesterday, my birthday, just 39 minutes ago, I turned 24. And today, the 18th, marks exactly 6 weeks since he and I began talking.
The first week… we meet and fall in love. The second week… I begin staying overnight. The third week… I move away from my family, and into his life. The rest…the present… a story I'll never forget. The experience of my life. The most incredible thing I've ever done. So simple, yet so complex. So entertaining.
Completely new. Completely riveting. A huge step out of my comfort zone. A huge change in direction for my life. No longer my own life. But partly someone else's.
What it's like to live for someone else, and yourself. Totally different. I never thought this would happen to my life.
But I'm sad because we just never see each other. His fucking job makes me work constantly, and the few hours we spend together at night are not without the impending, disgusting reality that he needs to go to sleep because he has work.
You know me. I don't give a fuck. I can go to work on 3 hours of sleep. I simply don't care. I would spend all night awake with him. But his job is demanding in a different way. And after all, he has to work. He's the one paying for everything. But I'm allowed to hate it.
It's because we are so new to each other. And I want time. So much time. Endless hours of play, learning about each other, doing things with purpose, things without.
There is a constant gray cloud looming over our relationship because our time together is so limited. And when we are together, it's sometimes crippled or suffocated with extreme bouts of emotion because there is so much to say, but no fucking time!
….
So tomorrow, I will wake, and leave to work, and he will be in this city, and I will be in another, and I will keep myself busy in Tampa, unwilling to return home and spend it alone, waiting for him, instead pretending it's all a dream until the sky begins to darken and I know he will be home soon, and I rush home, and he's there, and we spend a few hours together before work again on Saturday, and then Sunday we can indulge, and then he has a week off and I work all week
--and why?
Because there is no charity in this work.
Give and take. It's all a trade. A bargain.
You want the main of your dreams?
Take him.
But it's up to you to find a way, if there is a way at all, to be around him.
Today fucking sucks. Because now I have to sleep and the games are over and it's time to work.
Fuck work.
Fuck that.
Fuck societal norm.
……shit.
What a vacant memory…today…I rememeber earlier tonight…when we had time. But holy shit, does the world wait for no one…yesterday could not last forever. It would not last forever…
It's a blade embedded in the skin…and at the last second…when time runs out, it's yanked out…
oooooh and that's when you feel that fucking stiiiiing…
days until Jersey.
